March 24, 2004
I'm sitting here not knowing what to do now. I just keep searching, asking, seeking, and he seems no where to be found. Why am I left here to tend to myself? Why do I feel like I have to search for all the answers myself? I've asked. I've searched. I've seeked. And it feels like there is nothing left to do. So I sit here and wait. For what? I don't know. For how long? Until his timing is right.
What must I do with these feelings I have, with these thoughts and emotions just over flowing in me? I sleep, but all I want to do is cry. Cry until he hears me, cry until he answers me, cry until its over. But I can't. Why? Afraid it will all come revealed. Years of hurt, years of asking "where were you when I needed you most?"
I'm here day after day reading the map, week after week studying the grid of perfection. I talk to you even when I feel like you're not listening. I come to you when nobody else understands, tear by tear you hear what I am going through, even before the mouth speaks.
Why don't you talk to me like you talked to Gideon? Like you showed Abraham, why am I to be the different one? Speak to me! Speak to me like you spoke to Noah, walk with me like you walked with Adam, humble me like you humbled Job, and answer me like you answer everyone else. I want nothing more than to be with you, be with you like Jesus was on the side of the mountain. To be intimate with you before I move one step in life. Show me the way you have planned for me. Show me the road you want me to take. Guide me, along your paths of righteousness and joy. Equip me with your sword and armor. Put me in battle ready to fight.
I'm here unholy, shameful, deceitful, selfish, unworthy of your love, yet I ask for forgiveness, cleansing from the only one who can give it. Love that only you can show. Lord, I pray that you would show me what your will is. Lord help me see you in a way nobody else has. Show me that you love me and you are waiting on me, that you're there even when I am saying "where are you when I need you the most?" Lord answer me!
